Famous Pickup Lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Housewife
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud,
with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front
room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was
strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled
the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on
the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was
spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that
something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still
curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him,
smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again
smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask
me what in the world I did today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
A man takes his
wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer,
don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they
killed it... it's their deer!"
So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife
shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at
a man who is loudly disclaiming…
"It's your deer lady. It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off
it!!!!"
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience. "The material we put into
our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red
meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded
with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term
harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake".
A fellow bought a new Porsche and was out on an interstate for a nice evening
drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he
decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 m.p.h., he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue
light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Porsche," he thought to
himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90,100,110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and
the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel
like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving so fast,
that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you
were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
A boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in
the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a
speaking part."
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